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Garden Variety Military Weaponry


I’m a patient man.

Except when I’m behind slow drivers. Or in a bank teller line on a busy Friday afternoon. Or hungry at a restaurant waiting for food. Or dead tired and my kids won’t go to bed after I’ve repeatedly tried to reason with them.

But those instances aside, I’m a patient man.

One of the few enjoyable things about owning a home is having a yard with a long, rubber hose with which to hose vegetables, dogs, and stray kids. I’ve had a vegetable garden for four years now, but this is the first year I’ve taken it seriously. Before, I relied on Mother Nature to water the garden, and most everything dried out. And weeds? What? But this year, I grew everything from seeds indoors in early spring and transplanted them in May to the 8×8 garden at the top of the hill in the back yard. I nurtured, talked to, watered, caressed, kept away animals with marigolds, and stayed as natural as possible without the use of fertilizers, herbicides or insecticides. My vigilance paid off, nevermind the tomatoes that have been a disappointment, the real jewels of the garden have been doing beautifully and they’re almost all grown up and ready to light my world on fire. My patience will soon be rewarded.

Peppers, people, peppers. That’s what I’m talking about. HOT peppers. Not just hot, but the hottest little fuckers on the planet. And that’s stating it mildly.

The Bhut Jolokia, AKA Ghost Pepper. They are the new in chile in recent years, ever since the Guinness Book of World Records bestowed upon them the title “Hottest Pepper in the World.” Now is the part where I explain to non-chileheads the Scoville Scale for Ass-Reaming Pepper Heat: Basically, the higher the number, the hotter the pepper. Let’s put things in perspective. Jalapenos = 5,000 Scoville units. Bhut jolokias = ONE MILLION Scoville.

In India, where this pepper originates, it is used in sauces and as a condiment. In addition, the peppers are often made into a paste and smeared on fence posts to deter elephants from trampling properties. The Indian government is currently testing ways to use the powder made from bhut jolokias to fight terrorism in the form of grenades that would force militants out of building by, basically, searing the living shit out of their mucus membranes. A natural, non-toxic form of tear gas. Going Green is so popular even the riot police and commandos are joining the movement.

unripe bhut jolokia peppers

Unripe hand grenades.

I have two bhut jolokia plants in my back yard. I am patiently awaiting their full ripeness. They are now a light green, and ripe, they should be a beautiful bright red.

Since elephants don’t inhabit USDA Planting Zone 5, and I’m lacking in the anti-terror commando skills department, what do I intend to do with these nuclear capsicums? Well, for one thing, I will not be popping 51 in my mouth like that woman in India. I will, however, try a small sliver of one for tasting purposes since they are new to me, and from there most likely concoct my own hot sauce, tempering the heat with other ingredients like citrus, sugar, and cider vinegar, possibly. So then, expect a future post of my first taste, and maybe a recipe.

And the results of smearing ghost pepper paste on the perimeter of my property to keep the stray kids at bay.

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